Tuesday, April 8, 2008

That Girl.

She had gone her life knowing that she wasn't in her natural surroundings. Always craving more than what was in front of her. The other students looked at her as an outcast and pretty soon no matter where she went she was lost in the sea of people. Never to be acknowledged again by her peers; her family noticed that she was around. They could never exactly figure out who their own daughter was.

As she got older them ore she became detached from her classmates and family. Everyone hoped that when high school finally rolled around that things would start to look up for her. The few people who were able to get a glimpse of her saw that she had light shining bright inside, that this girl had the world at her feet but was too scared to act upon it. Of course people tried to help every once in awhile, but pretty soon they referred to her as a lost cause.

When high school finally came it only made problems worse it allowed depression to seep in. Her mind began to become posioned with thoughts of suicide and harming her pure body. All that she wanted was to be free and to let her soul finally feel complete.



(To be conti.)

Ready.

6 years ago when my depression first came to my attention I knew I had to fix it. I knew that I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling trapped and sufficated. Then 2 years after that I started to realize that I was going to have to take some action, try a little harder to bring it to people's attention. Now 4 years later after it all started I'm still stuck. Still trapped in the same tar pit.

I am ready to break free. I'm sick of feeling as if I can't breathe. I need fresh air. I need to figure out who I am and what it is I really want out of life. I don't want to be one of the people who regret not ever actually accoplishing anything in life. I am young and I have the all the world in front of me.

It's time to do something for myself!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Falling 3-22

I know I have been a bitch and clingy. I know I am at times unbareable to be around, but with everything I have just pushed aside I have lost control. I fell in love and now my heart is torn on whether to stay or not leave. I have always thought it was just my parents who don't realize things with me, but damn am I wrong. The one person who is suppose to be able to see through me just over looks me like everyone else now. It is better for me to be single even though I miss the "I love yous" and the kisses... I need to get my life worked out right now. I need to become stable again.

I hate myself for pushing away one of the most important people in my life. And no matter how hard I try I just keep doing it. I know damn well I am terrifide to loose him completely and I am so sick of hearing, if it truly belongs to you then it'll come back. Whoever came up with that phrase needs to be shot. I try to wrap my head around everything and I just can't seem to do it. I have always known that I wouldn't leave him but for the first time in almost 2 years I honestly don't know which was to go. He won;t makea decision anytime soon which is fine, but I can't just sit around not knowing if he truly loves me still.

Stay or go? I don't know which one to chose. He honestly doesn't care what happens. Or at least that is what he is making me believe.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Everything.

I still remember it so clearly. It was a couple days after my nightmare; July 13, 2006 I was pissed off at my ex Miswinkle. Over something completely stupid which I can't even remember now. I called Joey up and I wanted someone to talk too, something to do. Joey laughed and called over to his friend Adam to see if he wanted to talk to someone who hated Miswinkle as much as he did.

I still find it funny how my ex boyfriend and Adam's ex girlfriend ended up dating for like over a year.

Adam got on the phone and we got along right away. He decided that him, Joey, & Willow would all ride down to hang out with me for a little bit. It was 20 minutes to midnight and they finally found their way to my old home. For some reason people always seem to get dumbfounded about where I used to live. Quite funny actually.

Adam acted so cocky that night I still get a chuckle out of it. He threatened to throw me into our old pool. This guy just meets me and is already threatening me like that, but it was cute because he kind of flirting and to this day he still doesn't realize it. He gave me his number and the following day I was so bored that I ended up calling him. We talked for a little bit and he decided that he would come over, but of course his car broke down and that ruined those plans.

Later on that night I called him again and we ended up talking all night, until the sun came up. I remember he told me that he didn't care how long it took he was going to break through my walls. I believe that was the sweetest moment with him. I was going through a tough time I just was dumped my ex Lenny and I was ready to swear guys off for awhile and here comes Adam and he fought through my walls. We made plans to go out on our first date to see Clerks II. We had our first kiss during that movie. Adam came over dressed all in red, red silky shirt and red sweat shorts which are still too big for him. We left and he asked me if I wanted him to pick up his friend Willow and Allie and we went to the mall for alittle bit before the movie started and we went to the booksmith then left and once we got into the theater we sat down and at the beginning of the movie he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, cutest, most loving kiss I've ever had. Towards the end of the movie he kissed me again and I loved it just as much as the first one.

We left the movies and went to the bowling alley to catch up with Allie and Willow. He is just so adorable when he bowls he kicks his right leg behind him when he believes he has a strike. I talked with Allie and Willow for a little bit I got along very well with Willow. Which eventually bit me in the ass. Adam finished bowling and we left without even telling them I remember the sky looked as if it was going to rain. It smelled that way also, that sweet smell with the warmth in it. We went out to the bird watching place.. he parked, we got out he sat on the hood I walked between his legs stood there and he kissed me again.. then burnt his ass. We got up walked around to the back he sat on the trunk and he held me. I had so many emotions rush over me.. calmness, fear, warmth, safeness, and a type of happiness that I have honestly never felt before in my whole life. I remember he told me he felt stable with me. (God I want to cry.)

Two weeks later we got very close then things ended up going down hill not long after that. I became very close friends with Willow, I fell hard for Adam, I let them in. Adam went to the Godsmack and Rob Zombie concert for his best friend Ashley's birthday and Willow went with him and Willow's alter-ego decided she was going to dance very close with my boyfriend while drunk. Which made me want to rip her god forsaken head off at the time, but I'm learning to forgive her. I went through so much hell that summer. I was introduced to alter-egos they all had. That August a couple weeks after knowing them I stayed over her house while he parents were away. I met Ruzzlyne, Syne, and Keevin. Whether I am completely off the wall for even allowing this into my reality oh fucking well. I fell in love with Adam and I still accept every part of him and Willow became my best friend.. the person I was able to be my whole self with, but that was destroyed.

Keevin loved to play mind games with and so did Ruzzlyne which I will not be able to forgive, but move on from. Keevin eventually became found of me and would help me out. Damon on the other hand wanted to chop my head off. Figure the guy I fall for has something inside him that wants to hurt me and another thing who loves to play mind games. The ending of 2006 and all of 2007 was complete torture for me.

I almost lost Adam because of fucking Ruzzlyne and Willow. Willow ended up developing a crush on me which Ruzzlyne insisted on carrying out. Adam freaked out because he thought I had sex with her which would never happen not now not ever.







(to be cont....)

Friday, February 29, 2008

Incomplete.

For years now I have tried to fix myself; I tried to cure the depression and fill that void inside me. My own fiance doesn't even know the real me. What's even more sad is that I don't even know who I truly am yet, or even have an idea. I realize that no one ever really knows themselves, but at least a majority of society has some clue. I don't. Yeah I know the music I like,I know the movies I love. But when I start to look deeper all I see is the pitch black. I feel as if the light inside of me is trying to escape and it can't. Throughout my life I have had so much negativity and now it's smothering the pureness I do have left.

One thing that I truly hate is when you are brought at a set of crossroads in your life. I have no clue which was to turn. Should I continue on forward down a road that won't get me anywheres in life? Should I turn and try something new? Or should I just go back for awhile.?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Regrets.

Life is too PRECIOUS to worry about stupid shit.

So have FUN.

Get DRUNK.

Fall in LOVE.

Say what you want to say.

&& Do what you want to do.

REGRET nothing.

&& Don't let people who DON'T matter,

bring you down!!!


I have always gotten a kick out of quotes like these. I mean don't get me wrong they make excellent points, but it's so frustrating when you try so hard to live by those words and it never seems to work. I mean people who when they love.. they really love

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My nightmare.

I still can not believe that it happened to me. No my life was never perfect, but I still never in a million years would have thought that anything that horrific could happen to me. I dont understand why I was so stupid.. what ever possessed me to see him while I was with L.G. I truely loved him, he helped me bring a part of me I didn't know I had in me out.

I was wrong for seeing C.G. the night of the prom, but I honestly just wanted to say goodbye. I never wanted him to kiss and I most defiantly did not want his grubby hands touching me. Hell I got out of the truck and walk a couple blocks away before I agreed to get in the vehicle with him again.

I couldn't tell L.G. though not with my nerves as bad as they are. I wasn't ready to tell him my ex tried to rape me. Which pretty much ruined out relationship since we broke up roughly a month later. And of course where I was heart broken I was stupid and payed no mind to logic and I agreed to see C.G. HUGE MISTAKE!!!!

July 11, 2006 will haunt me for the rest of my life. No one has been able to find out the whole truth. My fiance, my best friend don't even know the whole story. I wish I could tell someone.

We went out to East Point it was a nice day, and I fell right into his trap I started crying and he held me. He started to kiss me and it took me a moment to realize what was going on and I did pull away. He said sorry and I told him I wanted to go home. We left and about 2minutes later he pulled off to the side of the road I asked him what the fuck was going on got out started to walk out of the woods and he grabbed me.. started kissing me more.. i tried to pull away but he is so much stronger than I am. He started to put his hand around my throat and I froze. He unbuttoned my jeans lifted my shirt up...... I wish I could have stopped him. I didnt want him. I didn't want any part of him inside of me.

Now only if I can verbally tell someone.... this wasnt a good enough vent.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

July 9, 2006

It's been a lifetime since I seen that ancient oak tree. Lele thought as she stood in the centuries old cemetery. She promised herself that as long as she lived no one would ever make her feel passion or utter heartbreak again.


She was 17, young & full of life there was not a single force in all the universe that could confine her. Her temper could tear right through you with just one look. But if you look close enough you could see that in her eyes that her love is truly unvonditional.


He was 19, what the world out forgot the past. All he wanted was to rid himself of dark secrets. His soul was the purest evil yet at the same time the purest light. Even though he had friends and family he was still alone.


He had loved before... She had tried, but they were all illusions.


SOmething was destinted for these two, but neither of them knew it.


She always found herself out at night it was the only time she felt truly at ease. Just so happens that one particular someone else was also out.





(To be conti.)

Monday, February 4, 2008

Intro: Roane

No matter where she settles she always finds herself feeling half empty.

As a child she was found underneath that old oak tree with her nose buried in a book. Her mind was consistently wondering never able to stay in one place.

Everything was closing in on her... she felt as if her head would spin right off of her shoulders it was impossible to decipher anything anymore. Everything she thought that she once knew seemed to be nothing but lies. All she knew was that she had to escape; she didn’t worry about clothes or money all she wanted was to get out of there as soon as possible.

It was amazing how fast she found herself along the back road out of town having one Mac truck after another sorrowing by. Dust flying all around her head reminding her of a dream that she once had.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

All over again.

I can't believe it I actually have another baby sister. Just really is a shame she won't be home for a little bit the things you do to help yourself and save your baby still result if some really fucked up consciences. Holding Kasey and having her look at me it really made me want children in the future. The love you get from a baby is the purest love in my opinion.

Monday, January 21, 2008

"I'm looking for corny in my life. "

Thankfully everything is now back on as close to smooth as I will get. Just really bites that I had to found out now that Adam tried to get Tiffany back. That really does hurt me a lot... mostly because he should have told me when we chose to be engaged. But, I found out that Tiffany was just hard for Adam to get over. Ashley claims that Adam has loved me more.

My life has just been stressful. If Im around my family too long I begin to go stir crazy. Whether it's because they chose to not to believe something was wrong or if it's something not to my knowledge.. ugh! And Adam's and my relationship ha been constant up and downs. For once now after 18months of knowing one another it'd be nice to be not as rough. Trying to savage our relationship drains so much energy from me. I do love him, but I want to punch him in his face sometimes.

Tolerating his inner demons, surviving his doubts, being understanding of him not wanting a full commitment. It's just now here he wants us engaged, but not tell his family. I can do without a ring it's just I wish he would tell his family about it. Exspecially if Jim may be passing away soon. Thought he is right we do need to be able to remain stable no matter what challage may come our way.

Maybe we just need time to reconnect. Learn about one another again.

However though I have most deffiantly found what I am looking for.















Thursday, January 17, 2008

letter to self

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What are you doing with your life? Are you truly happy or even content with everything? You have been dating the same guy for 15months. At least on and off. Yes, you guys keep getting pulled back to one another, but come on now. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing that. Never really knowing what is next for you guys.. if you can make to that next marker.

Yes, you love him. And he may very well love you just as much as you love him.. but hun his love is like the wind. When dealing the wind at times you may be able to feel it, but those typical movements eventually blend in with all your other surroundings and then you don't really feel it anymore. Can you really wait much longer until his love just explodes for you like when the wind is blowing so strong it feels as if you are going to blow away.

He is able to make you smile and laugh and at the same time he is able to make you cry. Unfortunely he does it more often than you would like.. whether it is intentional or not is a whole different story. However, his kisses make you smile and just want to kiss him a zillion more times after that. Those kisses truthfully words are not able to describe your feelinsg.

Here you have a couple different guys who want to be with you. Who are willing to treat you well. Then there is Tick who always promises to do things and he says he'll get something and he really wants to be that guy, but he's not. Then you sit around and wonder why you aren't good enough or what is stopping him.. and you answer... HIMSELF!


Don't you think you deserve someone who will actually apply themselves. Yes, he has put up with a lot from you, but you have dealt with a lot of crap from him. Hell he got drunk going to a concert and someone who is suppose to be a friend grinded up against him. He forgot to get you boxes when you were moving but he remember to get that same friend boxes for when she moved. And the worst part is she is FAT and doesn't know how the fuck to clean her damn body. I mean she has dirt stains along with a smell.

You deserve a guy who will treat you like a "princess" or someone who puts you first.

-Myself




Ugh! I am so drained. Maybe later this will get finished.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Rylie Ash - 1


a creature unknown
hidden deep beneath our world
peeking out ello


I came across this short peom or saying or whatever you would like to call it. I don't know it just has a twisted yet sweet vibe about it.