She had gone her life knowing that she wasn't in her natural surroundings. Always craving more than what was in front of her. The other students looked at her as an outcast and pretty soon no matter where she went she was lost in the sea of people. Never to be acknowledged again by her peers; her family noticed that she was around. They could never exactly figure out who their own daughter was.
As she got older them ore she became detached from her classmates and family. Everyone hoped that when high school finally rolled around that things would start to look up for her. The few people who were able to get a glimpse of her saw that she had light shining bright inside, that this girl had the world at her feet but was too scared to act upon it. Of course people tried to help every once in awhile, but pretty soon they referred to her as a lost cause.
When high school finally came it only made problems worse it allowed depression to seep in. Her mind began to become posioned with thoughts of suicide and harming her pure body. All that she wanted was to be free and to let her soul finally feel complete.
(To be conti.)
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Ready.
6 years ago when my depression first came to my attention I knew I had to fix it. I knew that I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling trapped and sufficated. Then 2 years after that I started to realize that I was going to have to take some action, try a little harder to bring it to people's attention. Now 4 years later after it all started I'm still stuck. Still trapped in the same tar pit.
I am ready to break free. I'm sick of feeling as if I can't breathe. I need fresh air. I need to figure out who I am and what it is I really want out of life. I don't want to be one of the people who regret not ever actually accoplishing anything in life. I am young and I have the all the world in front of me.
It's time to do something for myself!
I am ready to break free. I'm sick of feeling as if I can't breathe. I need fresh air. I need to figure out who I am and what it is I really want out of life. I don't want to be one of the people who regret not ever actually accoplishing anything in life. I am young and I have the all the world in front of me.
It's time to do something for myself!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Falling 3-22
I know I have been a bitch and clingy. I know I am at times unbareable to be around, but with everything I have just pushed aside I have lost control. I fell in love and now my heart is torn on whether to stay or not leave. I have always thought it was just my parents who don't realize things with me, but damn am I wrong. The one person who is suppose to be able to see through me just over looks me like everyone else now. It is better for me to be single even though I miss the "I love yous" and the kisses... I need to get my life worked out right now. I need to become stable again.
I hate myself for pushing away one of the most important people in my life. And no matter how hard I try I just keep doing it. I know damn well I am terrifide to loose him completely and I am so sick of hearing, if it truly belongs to you then it'll come back. Whoever came up with that phrase needs to be shot. I try to wrap my head around everything and I just can't seem to do it. I have always known that I wouldn't leave him but for the first time in almost 2 years I honestly don't know which was to go. He won;t makea decision anytime soon which is fine, but I can't just sit around not knowing if he truly loves me still.
Stay or go? I don't know which one to chose. He honestly doesn't care what happens. Or at least that is what he is making me believe.
I hate myself for pushing away one of the most important people in my life. And no matter how hard I try I just keep doing it. I know damn well I am terrifide to loose him completely and I am so sick of hearing, if it truly belongs to you then it'll come back. Whoever came up with that phrase needs to be shot. I try to wrap my head around everything and I just can't seem to do it. I have always known that I wouldn't leave him but for the first time in almost 2 years I honestly don't know which was to go. He won;t makea decision anytime soon which is fine, but I can't just sit around not knowing if he truly loves me still.
Stay or go? I don't know which one to chose. He honestly doesn't care what happens. Or at least that is what he is making me believe.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Everything.
I still remember it so clearly. It was a couple days after my nightmare; July 13, 2006 I was pissed off at my ex Miswinkle. Over something completely stupid which I can't even remember now. I called Joey up and I wanted someone to talk too, something to do. Joey laughed and called over to his friend Adam to see if he wanted to talk to someone who hated Miswinkle as much as he did.
I still find it funny how my ex boyfriend and Adam's ex girlfriend ended up dating for like over a year.
Adam got on the phone and we got along right away. He decided that him, Joey, & Willow would all ride down to hang out with me for a little bit. It was 20 minutes to midnight and they finally found their way to my old home. For some reason people always seem to get dumbfounded about where I used to live. Quite funny actually.
Adam acted so cocky that night I still get a chuckle out of it. He threatened to throw me into our old pool. This guy just meets me and is already threatening me like that, but it was cute because he kind of flirting and to this day he still doesn't realize it. He gave me his number and the following day I was so bored that I ended up calling him. We talked for a little bit and he decided that he would come over, but of course his car broke down and that ruined those plans.
Later on that night I called him again and we ended up talking all night, until the sun came up. I remember he told me that he didn't care how long it took he was going to break through my walls. I believe that was the sweetest moment with him. I was going through a tough time I just was dumped my ex Lenny and I was ready to swear guys off for awhile and here comes Adam and he fought through my walls. We made plans to go out on our first date to see Clerks II. We had our first kiss during that movie. Adam came over dressed all in red, red silky shirt and red sweat shorts which are still too big for him. We left and he asked me if I wanted him to pick up his friend Willow and Allie and we went to the mall for alittle bit before the movie started and we went to the booksmith then left and once we got into the theater we sat down and at the beginning of the movie he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, cutest, most loving kiss I've ever had. Towards the end of the movie he kissed me again and I loved it just as much as the first one.
We left the movies and went to the bowling alley to catch up with Allie and Willow. He is just so adorable when he bowls he kicks his right leg behind him when he believes he has a strike. I talked with Allie and Willow for a little bit I got along very well with Willow. Which eventually bit me in the ass. Adam finished bowling and we left without even telling them I remember the sky looked as if it was going to rain. It smelled that way also, that sweet smell with the warmth in it. We went out to the bird watching place.. he parked, we got out he sat on the hood I walked between his legs stood there and he kissed me again.. then burnt his ass. We got up walked around to the back he sat on the trunk and he held me. I had so many emotions rush over me.. calmness, fear, warmth, safeness, and a type of happiness that I have honestly never felt before in my whole life. I remember he told me he felt stable with me. (God I want to cry.)
Two weeks later we got very close then things ended up going down hill not long after that. I became very close friends with Willow, I fell hard for Adam, I let them in. Adam went to the Godsmack and Rob Zombie concert for his best friend Ashley's birthday and Willow went with him and Willow's alter-ego decided she was going to dance very close with my boyfriend while drunk. Which made me want to rip her god forsaken head off at the time, but I'm learning to forgive her. I went through so much hell that summer. I was introduced to alter-egos they all had. That August a couple weeks after knowing them I stayed over her house while he parents were away. I met Ruzzlyne, Syne, and Keevin. Whether I am completely off the wall for even allowing this into my reality oh fucking well. I fell in love with Adam and I still accept every part of him and Willow became my best friend.. the person I was able to be my whole self with, but that was destroyed.
Keevin loved to play mind games with and so did Ruzzlyne which I will not be able to forgive, but move on from. Keevin eventually became found of me and would help me out. Damon on the other hand wanted to chop my head off. Figure the guy I fall for has something inside him that wants to hurt me and another thing who loves to play mind games. The ending of 2006 and all of 2007 was complete torture for me.
I almost lost Adam because of fucking Ruzzlyne and Willow. Willow ended up developing a crush on me which Ruzzlyne insisted on carrying out. Adam freaked out because he thought I had sex with her which would never happen not now not ever.
I still find it funny how my ex boyfriend and Adam's ex girlfriend ended up dating for like over a year.
Adam got on the phone and we got along right away. He decided that him, Joey, & Willow would all ride down to hang out with me for a little bit. It was 20 minutes to midnight and they finally found their way to my old home. For some reason people always seem to get dumbfounded about where I used to live. Quite funny actually.
Adam acted so cocky that night I still get a chuckle out of it. He threatened to throw me into our old pool. This guy just meets me and is already threatening me like that, but it was cute because he kind of flirting and to this day he still doesn't realize it. He gave me his number and the following day I was so bored that I ended up calling him. We talked for a little bit and he decided that he would come over, but of course his car broke down and that ruined those plans.
Later on that night I called him again and we ended up talking all night, until the sun came up. I remember he told me that he didn't care how long it took he was going to break through my walls. I believe that was the sweetest moment with him. I was going through a tough time I just was dumped my ex Lenny and I was ready to swear guys off for awhile and here comes Adam and he fought through my walls. We made plans to go out on our first date to see Clerks II. We had our first kiss during that movie. Adam came over dressed all in red, red silky shirt and red sweat shorts which are still too big for him. We left and he asked me if I wanted him to pick up his friend Willow and Allie and we went to the mall for alittle bit before the movie started and we went to the booksmith then left and once we got into the theater we sat down and at the beginning of the movie he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, cutest, most loving kiss I've ever had. Towards the end of the movie he kissed me again and I loved it just as much as the first one.
We left the movies and went to the bowling alley to catch up with Allie and Willow. He is just so adorable when he bowls he kicks his right leg behind him when he believes he has a strike. I talked with Allie and Willow for a little bit I got along very well with Willow. Which eventually bit me in the ass. Adam finished bowling and we left without even telling them I remember the sky looked as if it was going to rain. It smelled that way also, that sweet smell with the warmth in it. We went out to the bird watching place.. he parked, we got out he sat on the hood I walked between his legs stood there and he kissed me again.. then burnt his ass. We got up walked around to the back he sat on the trunk and he held me. I had so many emotions rush over me.. calmness, fear, warmth, safeness, and a type of happiness that I have honestly never felt before in my whole life. I remember he told me he felt stable with me. (God I want to cry.)
Two weeks later we got very close then things ended up going down hill not long after that. I became very close friends with Willow, I fell hard for Adam, I let them in. Adam went to the Godsmack and Rob Zombie concert for his best friend Ashley's birthday and Willow went with him and Willow's alter-ego decided she was going to dance very close with my boyfriend while drunk. Which made me want to rip her god forsaken head off at the time, but I'm learning to forgive her. I went through so much hell that summer. I was introduced to alter-egos they all had. That August a couple weeks after knowing them I stayed over her house while he parents were away. I met Ruzzlyne, Syne, and Keevin. Whether I am completely off the wall for even allowing this into my reality oh fucking well. I fell in love with Adam and I still accept every part of him and Willow became my best friend.. the person I was able to be my whole self with, but that was destroyed.
Keevin loved to play mind games with and so did Ruzzlyne which I will not be able to forgive, but move on from. Keevin eventually became found of me and would help me out. Damon on the other hand wanted to chop my head off. Figure the guy I fall for has something inside him that wants to hurt me and another thing who loves to play mind games. The ending of 2006 and all of 2007 was complete torture for me.
I almost lost Adam because of fucking Ruzzlyne and Willow. Willow ended up developing a crush on me which Ruzzlyne insisted on carrying out. Adam freaked out because he thought I had sex with her which would never happen not now not ever.
(to be cont....)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Incomplete.
For years now I have tried to fix myself; I tried to cure the depression and fill that void inside me. My own fiance doesn't even know the real me. What's even more sad is that I don't even know who I truly am yet, or even have an idea. I realize that no one ever really knows themselves, but at least a majority of society has some clue. I don't. Yeah I know the music I like,I know the movies I love. But when I start to look deeper all I see is the pitch black. I feel as if the light inside of me is trying to escape and it can't. Throughout my life I have had so much negativity and now it's smothering the pureness I do have left.
One thing that I truly hate is when you are brought at a set of crossroads in your life. I have no clue which was to turn. Should I continue on forward down a road that won't get me anywheres in life? Should I turn and try something new? Or should I just go back for awhile.?
One thing that I truly hate is when you are brought at a set of crossroads in your life. I have no clue which was to turn. Should I continue on forward down a road that won't get me anywheres in life? Should I turn and try something new? Or should I just go back for awhile.?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Regrets.
Life is too PRECIOUS to worry about stupid shit.
So have FUN.
Get DRUNK.
Fall in LOVE.
Say what you want to say.
&& Do what you want to do.
REGRET nothing.
&& Don't let people who DON'T matter,
bring you down!!!
I have always gotten a kick out of quotes like these. I mean don't get me wrong they make excellent points, but it's so frustrating when you try so hard to live by those words and it never seems to work. I mean people who when they love.. they really love
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My nightmare.
I still can not believe that it happened to me. No my life was never perfect, but I still never in a million years would have thought that anything that horrific could happen to me. I dont understand why I was so stupid.. what ever possessed me to see him while I was with L.G. I truely loved him, he helped me bring a part of me I didn't know I had in me out.
I was wrong for seeing C.G. the night of the prom, but I honestly just wanted to say goodbye. I never wanted him to kiss and I most defiantly did not want his grubby hands touching me. Hell I got out of the truck and walk a couple blocks away before I agreed to get in the vehicle with him again.
I couldn't tell L.G. though not with my nerves as bad as they are. I wasn't ready to tell him my ex tried to rape me. Which pretty much ruined out relationship since we broke up roughly a month later. And of course where I was heart broken I was stupid and payed no mind to logic and I agreed to see C.G. HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
July 11, 2006 will haunt me for the rest of my life. No one has been able to find out the whole truth. My fiance, my best friend don't even know the whole story. I wish I could tell someone.
We went out to East Point it was a nice day, and I fell right into his trap I started crying and he held me. He started to kiss me and it took me a moment to realize what was going on and I did pull away. He said sorry and I told him I wanted to go home. We left and about 2minutes later he pulled off to the side of the road I asked him what the fuck was going on got out started to walk out of the woods and he grabbed me.. started kissing me more.. i tried to pull away but he is so much stronger than I am. He started to put his hand around my throat and I froze. He unbuttoned my jeans lifted my shirt up...... I wish I could have stopped him. I didnt want him. I didn't want any part of him inside of me.
Now only if I can verbally tell someone.... this wasnt a good enough vent.
I was wrong for seeing C.G. the night of the prom, but I honestly just wanted to say goodbye. I never wanted him to kiss and I most defiantly did not want his grubby hands touching me. Hell I got out of the truck and walk a couple blocks away before I agreed to get in the vehicle with him again.
I couldn't tell L.G. though not with my nerves as bad as they are. I wasn't ready to tell him my ex tried to rape me. Which pretty much ruined out relationship since we broke up roughly a month later. And of course where I was heart broken I was stupid and payed no mind to logic and I agreed to see C.G. HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
July 11, 2006 will haunt me for the rest of my life. No one has been able to find out the whole truth. My fiance, my best friend don't even know the whole story. I wish I could tell someone.
We went out to East Point it was a nice day, and I fell right into his trap I started crying and he held me. He started to kiss me and it took me a moment to realize what was going on and I did pull away. He said sorry and I told him I wanted to go home. We left and about 2minutes later he pulled off to the side of the road I asked him what the fuck was going on got out started to walk out of the woods and he grabbed me.. started kissing me more.. i tried to pull away but he is so much stronger than I am. He started to put his hand around my throat and I froze. He unbuttoned my jeans lifted my shirt up...... I wish I could have stopped him. I didnt want him. I didn't want any part of him inside of me.
Now only if I can verbally tell someone.... this wasnt a good enough vent.
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